Sometimes life just doesn't work out the way we might expect.



I know that, time and time again, mine hasn't.



Sometimes it's because of the decisions we make for ourselves.



Sometimes, it's the decisions of others.



We find out someone we love isn't who we thought they were and, as a result, we find out maybe we're not what we thought we were.



Sometimes we are worse, which, if we are aware of that and willing to admit it, is a great starting point of change.



Sometimes, we are better. Better than our choices. Better than the choices of those around us. And sometimes, when we finally realize it, we need that affirmation.



Obviously, there are things and people going on in my life to make me muse upon such things.



If you will notice, I used the words "choice" and "decision" many times.



During times such as these, I am so proud to be an Existentialist.



the most prominent tenant of Existentialism can be summed up in a quote by Jean-Paul Sartre: "We are alone, with no excuses."



Existentialism advocates that man is completely free--as a whole and as an individual. We might be influenced by genetics, environment, society, etc., but ultimately, we are an absolute product of our own making.



It's not Mommy or Daddy's fault.

Or the teacher,

the preacher,

the police office,

the judge,

drugs or alcohol,

your next-door neighbor,

that one, only, and best love of your life who brutally broke your heart,

not god's,

and certainly not Satan's.



There are many "famous" Existentialists.



Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Jean-Paul Sartre, Soren Kierkegaard, Friedrich Nietszche, Albert Camus, Viktor Frankl...



...oh, and one Jesus of Nazareth.

Actually, the majority of people I know ascribe to many Existential beliefs without even realizing it.

What happened--Existentialism, before it got the name, was purposed by its "father"--Mr. Kierkegaard, who, as a very devout Christian, came to his "Existential" philosophies due to the bible, Jesus of Nazareth, and his own intuition. this was sometime in the mid-to-late nineteenth century. Existentialism, however (long story short), fell into the hands of hard-core Atheist Jean-Paul Sartre near the beginning of the twentieth century. After that time, Existentialism too a rapid decline and all but disappeared by the 1950's, except in college textbooks and some schools of psychology.

But that's not what I need to discuss.

I give the brief background of Existentialism as a foundation for the following.

Life has changed for my little corner of it today. I am honestly not sure if I am even aware of all the future ramifications. In this case, hindsight is 20/20, but, i think if I were truly honest with myself that, looking back even, perhaps, at the beginning, bust especially over the past ten months, I probably knew all along that this is the way things would end.

But whether I knew or not doesn't at all numb the hurt. This is one of those "life" things where the only salve is time and only time. This is one of those "life" things that tests everything one thinks one knows about life and living and love.

My life (along with so many others') has overwhelmingly proven how often love and trust are never good. From biology, to the church, and even to myself, time and time again I have seen people walk away--the "bad" ones who should have, and the "good" ones who said they never would.

It happens so often, I am accustomed to it.

And, hell, after all, I am the common-bond--what does that say about me?

But, through it all, for whatever reason, I have maintained a virtually unfaltering faith in love and hope. Hope is easier to believe in. I can't explain it, but there is some unnatural element in the core of my being that "hopes" for me...almost involuntarily...like breathing or my heart beating. I hope in a naive way, like children whole-heartedly believe in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Jesus (that was in no particular order...if it had been, the Easter Bunny would've totally come first... :D). Hope, in me, is like a survival mechanism. it kicked in when I was younger and predestined and told me I didn't have to be. And it has been the sole force of strength and fight that has carried me over the past four years, and will carry me into the future (*aside--Frankl talks a great deal upon hope, what he calls "the will to meaning," in his excellent book Man's Search for Meaning, and his school of psychology, logotherapy).

Believing in love, however, is an entirely different story and at times takes every ounce of Existentialist in me.

Unconditional love is supposed to begin in the home. I, like so many others, didn't even know the concept existed.

It is supposed to be fostered and furthered along by the church. gain, as for so many others, that didn't happen either.

And yet, I do still ardently believe in unconditional love.

Unconditional, lasting love.

Part of it is the hope in me. Part of it is the stubbornness. Some of it is because I have known unconditional love--in some way--it just wasn't lasting.

Goodbyes are never easy for anyone. By goodbye, I mean a break-up, the dissolving of a friendship or romantic partnership/marriage. Death is not always the most difficult of these.

It is the goodbyes we are blindsided by. Thought we might suspect an air of discontent in something that was once beautiful and free, they are the goodbyes that we don't believe--partly because we don't want to, and partly because we are, yes, blinded by love--these hurt more than any poet's pen could say.

For people like me, it's a potentially devastating thing. because of what we have seen in life, trust does not come easy to us, and when that trust is given--finally--then proven misplaced again, it cuts down to the very core of the fabric of ourselves, and of what we believe about the goodness of the world as a whole.

We think, finally, here is someone who really loves me--absolutely, unconditionally. They have struggled with me, laughed with me, cried with me. if they haven't left yet, surely they won't.

the ghosts of the past start to vanish. The memories fade. Genuine love begins to bring healing to places that probably never expected to be redeemed.

You begin a new life with a new hope living in a new awareness. You begin to believe that, just because circumstances and people in the past were what they were doesn't necessarily mean the future is bound to that.

You begin to believe that you are different, too, that maybe you really didn't deserve everything that happened and that maybe, just maybe, you are gonna be okay in the end.

And then, just as you start to breathe again, and hope again, here comes goodbye.

And it's a paramount ache. A profound cry your soul is not even sure of the language to. That person, those people, they have made their decision. They have walked away, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do about it. It might be the closest, blood-like friend. It might be the most intimate, and only, lover you have ever known. It might be the family you finally found after never having one, and finding out you never really had that family either.

But is is not just the loss of that tangible person. The grief compounds all. What about the memories, the good times? were those even real? Did he or she ever truly mean all those things they once said Was it all just some game to them? Place your bets, roll the dice, cash out while you are still ahead?

And to the soul left, grieving, behind?

What about the world? What about humanity? Is love really nothing more than masquerades bought by the highest bidder?

And what about that great, pretty little Existentialist thought that preaches choice?

What if I don't wanna choose to be okay?

What if I feel betrayed, devoid, empty of all the strength I had to make my own decision?

What about love? And hope? And truth and trust and touch? Do such things exist at all, after they have been proven impossible time and time again?

Existentialism doesn't advocate choice as either "good" or "bad," it simply says that choice is free, independent of the will of others, completely and utterly the result of the one, solitary individual.

Existentialism says that, whatever decision we make in any circumstance, is neither good or bad, as long as we our individual selves stand up and take the ultimate responsibility for our choice.

So we choose bitterness and grief and anger.

We choose to re-evaluate ourselves, what we believe. We grow cold, or we train ourselves to adapt.

"...neither right nor wrong, but thinking makes it so..."

I don't want to have to choose right now.

But, if I must, with the way I feel, I wanna choose to lock up, to not feel, to return to my purely logical, completely unemotional life. Where things made sense because they didn't, they couldn't, hurt.

That is what I want to do. And, honestly, most likely what I will do...for a few days.

Because, you see, I am an Existentialist and I know that whatever I become as a result of this goodbye is not a result of this goodbye at all. what I become is all because of what I choose to become.

And I choose to wait for you.

You know who you are.

Just like I waited, and smoked that cigarette outside the gates...the entire cigarette, waiting, just like I said I would...

...I choose to wait for you...

...because, I believe:

" Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. That's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn't wanted.

Love is a giving away of power. When we love, we give the other person the power in the relationship. They can do what they choose. They can do what they like with our love. They can reject it, they can accept it, they can step toward us in gratitude and appreciation.

Love is a giving away. When we love, we put ourselves out there, we expose ourselves, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

Love is giving up control. It's surrendering the desire to control the other person. The two--love and controlling power over the other person--are mutually exclusive. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all of the desires within us to manipulate the relationship...

[It is] vulnerability...for a purpose.

There is a weakness that is actually strength.

And there is a strength that is actually weakness...

Really good, loving people get hurt. It's how things are.

Maybe you're living in the wake of a relationship that fell apart. You have to dig those moments up. the parts that hurt and the awkward conversations and the anger and the failure and the misunderstanding and the betrayal. You have to dig them up and acknowledge them before you are ever going to heal.

The danger is that you will decide it isn't worth it. Why risk if it's going to hurt like this? The tragedy would be for you to shut down, to allow a wall to be built around your heart, and for something within you to die.

A decision not to risk again is a decision not to love again. They go together.

Why is it those we love the most are the ones capable of hurting us the most? Our greatest wounds rarely come from strangers. They probably come from an ex-fiance, a former friend, a roommate, a sister, a business partner.

Even in healthy relationships, an offhanded comment or a rolling of the yes can cripple us for days or years or even a lifetime. This is because the more we open ourselves up, the more vulnerable we are. The more exposed we are, the more it hurts. The more we let someone in, the greater the risk. Surprise, anger, shock, betrayal, helplessness--it all gets mixed together...

Agape is a particular kind of love. love is often seen as a need, something we get from others. Agape is the opposite. Agape gives...

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.

Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love.

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.

Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful.

There is a love because, love in order to, love for the purpose of, and then there is a love period. Agape doesn't need a reason."

(*from Rob Bell's Sex God).

I love you.

And I will...because I believe in you and I believe in love.

It hurts today, but my choice is to love anyway.