Some of the things I love immensely are random, inspirational quotations. Maybe it's the English major in me--whose job it is to write ten-page research papers centered entirely around only a quotation or two. Or maybe it hearkens back to all those memory verses from Sonbeams, Sunday School, and VBS. I am not as close to the Bible as I once was, and I am honestly glad of that. Christian or not, if the deity that book speaks of exists, or any deity for that matter, powerful enough to create all this--I don't personally believe it would bind itself to the confines of one book alone (or a massive compilation of sixty-six tiny books). But I digress. Quotes have filled a place in my life not at all unlike scriptures fill a role in the lives of others. I seek them out. I study them, try to ascribe them to memory, and am constantly aware of the positive, and yes, sometimes healing influences they have in my life.

The reason I bring this up is because I got a special package in the mail today.

A sweet friend of mine, who can be named only if he names himself, was in Hawaii right around Spring Break with his family. We had only just begun talking (text and one phone call), which makes it even more special that, while on vacation, he thought of me. He has had the gift in his possession since that time, and, since that time, our relationship really probable should have ended many times over and yet, with change, I believe we have become even closer to one another, and I now call him my brotha from anotha motha, and he calls me is honky ginger sister from another mister.

Anyway, so the gift arrived two days ago at an address I use but don't live at. It was delivered to me, and opened immediately...all smiles, today. And it was absolutely wonderful! Not only did I love it because it was so special, but because, here is this person I had, at the point of the gift's purchase, not known that long, and yet it is something I myself would have bought. Anyway, the gift, a gaudy (my favorite) beaded bracelet of many colors...yellow (which is why he brought it), purples, light greens, black, jade, dark coral, mosaic like...it's just lovely.

But there is one specific bead that I really love...

...and, I am sure, after my introduction, you could prolly assume why.

Yes, one bead, a simple rectangular bead, has some random quotes pasted onto it.

One of the quotes really struck me, as it hit my soul in a way as if it had been directly written toward or spoken for me for this specific time in my life.

Albert Camus, a philosopher famous for his advocacy of Existentialism (yes, that's my "religion"...ironic, I think not), yet his strict hatred of the word "Existential" (and its many forms), but a firm belief in his opposition to the philosophy of nihilism and his support of free-will and individual responsibility...said, "Live to the point of tears."

"Live to the point of tears."

That quote is powerful enough in and of itself...it engenders so many varying emotions...in me, at least.

But, knowing Camus...or, at least, his philosophical standings, it makes it even more powerful.

Another but, however...knowing Camus is up to you.

Come on, I can't be your encyclopedia.

I don't know what Camus was thinking specifically when he penned this quote, but I know what it makes me think of...

...the tears I cried today and yesterday...the hurt of a not completely requited love, the hope in something more, the absolute unwillingness to back down...

...the tears I finally allowed myself to cry a week or so after I found out I was pregnant (I was busy sharing the news with others and dealing with their reactions)...the all-consuming fear that one day in particular: while everyone else was preaching at me and worried about how I would provide for the baby's day-to-day needs (i.e. food, clothing, shelter, etc.), I break down because, at just a few weeks, I have no connection but an awareness and I am afraid that portends I'll be a bad mother. What if I can't love the kid? What if all the things I think I believe about life and child-rearing are all wrong?

...the tears I cry when something on the news strikes me: documentaries on the Oklahoma City Bombing (which had a profound affect on me as I was young and home sick from school that day); when reading things like Frankl's Man's Search For Meaning. Those tears I shed not because I have been there and done that and understood those terrible things firsthand, but because, regardless of religion, status, country, sex, age, etc. I feel a deeper awareness and connection with my fellow man, my fellow brother.

...the tears I cry when my little brother's here; tears that come because he is giggling so hard he's making me giggle hard.

...the tears when I achieve something I didn't expect, like publication of my writings in some random Junior College Arts Journal, the award for English Literature excellence my professors hand-picked me for.

...the tears at running into an old memory, hearing the birds sing (for someone with Rheumatoid Arthritis, that first Spring bird after a long winter is more than music to the ears or soul...it's music to the joints as well...it means relief, and in affect, life are coming again).

...the tears at that "I love you" from an "I love you" that wasn't supposed to be.

...the good ones, the bad ones, the in between ones...

...all those tears that prove I am really living, really loving, really taking a chance on happiness or sadness.

To me, at least, when Camus says to "Live to the point of tears," he is saying "live."

Live for this moment. Live for tomorrow. Live for twenty years from now. Live with hope, with strength, with perseverance; with the awareness that pain comes, but happiness does, too.

Just live.

It's a lot like what William Cullen Bryant said in his masterpiece "Thanatopsis":

"So live."

I like those quotes that talk about living.

Mostly because I am an Existentialist, and those quotes are very Existential in their endeavors.

And, then, because I have, like so many other people, wasted a lot of time not living.

Those are my thoughts for today. Somewhat random, but perhaps not. Maybe it needs to be heard...whether by someone today, or someone who stumbles upon this entry months or years from now...perhaps even for me myself, or even my son or daughter some day in the future.

Oh, and in some ways, it can be a call to you, my reader, if you are interested. I have an interest in compiling for my son or daughter a Quotation Bible of sorts. If you have any quotes...from songs, poems, books, stories, "important" people, "normal" people, please, let me know.

Again, thanks for reading. And, again, if you read this far, you deserve a treat. Go have a chocolate chip muffin or a slice of watermelon.

Until then, "Live to the point of tears."

JennahRose/Spero.